Understanding the other

President George W. Bush delivers his first inaugural address, Washington, D.C., Jan. 20, 2001. (Tech. Sgt. Lou Briscese / U.S. Air Force)

“Civility is not a tactic or a sentiment; it is the determined choice of trust over cynicism, of community over chaos.”

It’s been 24 years since President George W. Bush spoke those words in his first inaugural address, and, over that time, America’s crisis of distrust and dehumanization has only intensified. Toxic polarization (put simply, the demonization of those who think differently) has convinced too many of us that our fellow citizens are enemies.

In a recent survey, “divided” was the word most commonly chosen by Republicans, Democrats, and independents alike to describe Americans today. Yet 87% of Americans surveyed say they are tired of division and agree that polarization is a threat to the United States. When asked about the country’s future, “united” is the top quality Americans say they want, again without variation across party lines. More than 80% of us say that our success as a nation depends on our ability to work together.

As these numbers show, the problem with polarization is widely recognized, the stakes are understood, and most Americans long for a different reality. So why haven’t we found a way out of the vortex?

“Those people.”

Research shows that 80% of Republicans and Democrats believe that the other party “poses a threat that if not stopped will destroy America as we know it.” More than three quarters of voters believe that Americans who strongly support the other side are “a clear and present danger” to our country. And nearly half of Americans think members of the opposing party are “downright evil.”

Fear, distrust, and animosity toward those on the other side of the political divide are shackling Americans in our tribal corners. From those corners, it’s very hard to get a clear, nuanced, realistic view of the world. Our politics tend to look like a must-win, zero-sum battle between us and “them” – and the “thems” look like enemies.

But here’s the thing – most Americans don’t actually know “them.” According to a 2020 poll by the Pew Research Center, 77% of us have few or no friends on the other political side. And as the journalist and author Monica Guzman has described the problem, “Whoever is underrepresented in your life will be overrepresented in your imagination. Instead of people, you’ll see monsters.”

Participants at an Urban Rural Action bridge-building gathering in Kansas City, MO on Oct. 14, 2023. (Urban Rural Action)

Mind the gap

One of the major drivers of toxic polarization is what the organization More in Common calls perception gaps – the difference between what we perceive another group thinks and what members of that other group actually think. As researchers at More in Common have explained, “These perception gaps matter because they represent a fundamental misunderstanding of our fellow Americans. When we misunderstand each other, we are less likely to engage, more likely to distrust, and more prone to seeing politics as a battle rather than a shared project. It makes it harder to build meaningful relationships with one another – and can create a cycle of escalation, where we overestimate the other side’s support for extreme actions and become more open to extreme responses ourselves.”

Here’s a sample of some of the perception gaps documented by More in Common.

• The share of Republicans who believe that “properly controlled immigration can be good for America” is 33% higher than Democrats estimate.
• The share of Democrats who do not believe that the United States “should have completely open borders” is 33% higher than Republicans estimate.
• The share of Democrats who say “I am proud to be an American, though I acknowledge my country’s flaws” is 28% higher than Republicans estimate.
• The share of Republicans who believe that “Americans have a responsibility to learn from our past and fix our mistakes” is 58% higher than Democrats estimate.
• The share of Democrats who believe that “all students should learn how the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution advanced freedom and equality” is 47% higher than Republicans estimate.
• While inflation was actually the top priority for both Democrats and Republicans in 2024, many Americans mistakenly believed that abortion and transgender policy were the leading concerns for Democrats and that immigration was the top issue for Republicans.

More in Common has found that overall, Democrats and Republicans imagine that almost twice as many of their political opponents hold more extreme views than they actually do. This explains why 85% of Democrats say the Republican Party has been taken over by racists, while 84% of Republicans say the Democratic Party has been taken over by socialists.

Our mistaken impressions of one another are driven, in part, by our media and by politicians who cynically profit by making us outraged. Other drivers of toxic polarization are the perversions of good instincts. At a time when so many Americans report feeling lonely and isolated, these tribal corners can feel quite warm, fulfilling our human craving for belonging and community. At a time when religious faith and practice are declining, these corners and their crusades can give us a sense of calling, higher purpose, and righteousness.

I get it. As a guy who’s worked to improve social cohesion for more than a decade, I’m disturbed by my own hypocrisy and vulnerability. As I have written elsewhere, “I have a strong need to belong. Yet like so many Americans today, I feel politically homeless, lonely outside the us versus them binary. Lonely but still in the line of fire. I often feel ostracized and repelled by demonization of conservatives and Christians. I understand the temptation to latch onto a tribe, to come in from the cold, to find belonging in battle.”

If we give in to that temptation, however, we all lose. Doing so will guarantee the weakening of our country. The exceptional experiment that is America will fail. If that seems far-fetched, consider that 35% of Republicans and Democrats already believe that violence could be justified to advance their parties’ political goals.

Participants at an Urban Rural Action bridge-building gathering in Kansas City, MO on Oct. 14, 2023. (Urban Rural Action)

The best way forward

Lest we lose hope, there is a different, better path for America. It’s not the path we’re on today, and we won’t get there by accident. Following this more salutary path requires Americans of all backgrounds and beliefs to make a determined choice to see dignity across divides, to listen with curiosity, and to work together to fix things that we agree are broken. Thankfully, many patriotic Americans are already making that choice.

At a 2017 George W. Bush Institute event I attended, President Bush said, “America needs organizations to champion civil discourse.” At the time, I’d just launched the Listen First Coalition to bring together the few groups existing at the time dedicated to helping Americans build understanding, trust, and relationships across the aisle. Today there are more than 500 such organizations in our coalition. At Conversation.us, we offer a range of resources designed to help you, your friends, and your family take a first step down that better path.

Countless efforts are being made on the ground in communities across the United States, driven both by local coalition partners and by little-known individuals working across divides to make their communities stronger. As the political scientist Daniel Stid recently observed, “On the one hand, our national politics and governing institutions continue to spiral downward in a doom loop of polarization, dysfunction, and delegitimization. On the other, we can observe green shoots of promise and pluralism in many communities across the country as Americans join forces to tackle challenges they face.”

Over my decade-long pursuit of this mission, primarily at the national level, I’ve come to appreciate the indispensable role and unique promise of local action. Change moves at the speed of trust, and trust moves at the speed of relationships. Meaningful relationships, especially across differences, develop best when people are in proximity to one another. With the forces of toxic polarization making us feel further and further apart, finding literal common ground – shared neighborhoods, towns, or counties – can be an increasingly effective starting point.

Local work is also more insulated from the outrage-industrial complex that’s running rampant at the national level. Cable news and social media caricatures of other people are much more likely to ring hollow if you actually know those other people by name. Polarizing issues become less frightening when you’re working across divides to fill potholes in your own local community.

The Connection Opportunity, a new report by More in Common, supports this view. It finds that “Americans are most interested in working across lines of difference to achieve a mutual goal that improves their community.” Similarly, people “say that the condition that would make them most eager to connect across lines of difference is ‘if we had a common goal we were working towards.’”

I’ve adopted a more local orientation myself this year, handing off many of my responsibilities as a national coalition leader so I can serve on the front lines where I live, in New Bern, North Carolina. To have the greatest impact, I’ve teamed up with a particularly inspiring Listen First Coalition partner, Urban Rural Action. UR Action empowers and supports communities through Uniting for Action Local Hubs, places around the country where participants, called Uniters, can work across ideological, racial, religious, age, geographical, and other differences to tackle a local challenge. These Uniters strengthen their individual skills, build enduring relationships, and work to make their community stronger.

Breaking the ice with the Arm Exercise at a bridge-building gathering in Kenosha, WI on June 1, 2024. (Urban Rural Action)

The secret to our success

Of course, exhortations to converse or collaborate across divides can feel like admonitions to eat your broccoli – they might sound good for you, but not very appealing. Indeed, More in Common has found that intergroup anxiety – the fear of having an awkward or uncomfortable interaction with someone from a different group – is the strongest impediment to connection across difference. “Americans are most apprehensive about connecting across political differences,” the organization has found. “Their fears include that it would be uncomfortable, that they would be misunderstood, and personal safety.”

For these reasons, I believe the secret ingredient to success in bridging divides is … fun. One good way to alleviate intergroup anxiety is to lighten up and enjoy something together as humans. Play helps us let our guard down, build relationships, and get creative. Having fun is one of UR Action’s guiding principles. Instead of eating broccoli, they offer chocolate and cheese tastings.

Take the example of two Pennsylvania Uniters, Steph Harbaugh and Lance Walker. After building a trusting relationship during a Uniting for Action program, they served together on the local school board, which had broken down across ideological lines. Harbaugh and Walker experienced intense pressure to polarize into their respective political corners. But due to the strength of their preexisting relationship and their experience solving problems together, they refused to do so. Instead, they successfully shifted the dynamics on the school board and restored productivity.

I look forward to celebrating such heroic Americans at Mount Vernon in September, when standout participants in our Bridge-Building Innovation Showcase will receive the inaugural George Washington Unity Award.

Meanwhile, I find hope in the fact that 70% of Americans feel a responsibility to connect with people whose backgrounds and viewpoints are different than their own, and that 75% agree “It is still possible for the U.S. to achieve the ideal of our national motto ‘E Pluribus Unum’: ‘Out of many, one.’”

We can’t let fights overshadow the promise of our exceptional nation or the goodness of our fellow Americans. It’s time to get out of those corners, burst our bubbles, suspend judgement, and embrace curiosity. We should look up from our phones and look out our windows instead.

Starting today, you can choose community over chaos and become a Uniter by seeing dignity across divides, listening with curiosity to a broader array of perspectives, and boldly working together across differences to fix things you agree are broken. And don’t forget – have fun!